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Turning over a new leaf 6 September 2002 Well, the Equinox has been and gone and, you'll be glad to know, I have written down my Autumn Resolution, the goal I set myself each year to improve both myself and the world I live in. To be honest, it was not always an Autumn Resolution. Years ago, when I was young, enthusiastic and naïve, every 1 January I followed the crowd and wrote down my New Year's Resolution, but each 31 December when I looked back to see what I had achieved, I was always disappointed. In 1973, for example, I did not found a barber's quartet, a failure possibly related to the fact that I never cut my shoulder-length hair. In 1974, my ambition to water-ski to the source of the Amazon was stymied by the fact that I spent my summer holidays in Greece. 1975 saw me unelected to Parliament, while, despite my repeated efforts in 1976, 1977 and 1978, none of the football pools winners I congratulated on their good fortune took the trouble to thank me with a small percentage of their winnings, as would only have been polite. A few well-meaning but misguided friends implied that I was responsible for my lack of success, until I pointed out that most people who resolved to better themselves as the year turned suffered a similar fate. Smokers and drinkers continued to support the Chancellor's efforts to support the flagging economy, neither Scotland nor England won the World Cup, and Charles Bronson persisted in his film career. With impeccable logic I pointed out that it would be too much coincidence to assume that we were all at fault. There had to be a common denominator that prevented us all from achieving our goals. Finally, it struck me that we were all making resolutions at the same time of year. It wasn't clear to me exactly why the first of January should have such a disastrous effect, but it was certainly not mine to reason why. After all, if the powers that be determine that everyone in the thirty days following 22 November likes to gamble and travel and has no sense of tact, then it is a simple matter to ensure that all intentions stated on New Year's Day, no matter how sincere, are mere words in the cosmic wind. And so I took my future in my hands and resolved on the second of January 1979 to make my resolutions at another time of the year. What a difference a day makes! I have proved my theory by keeping that resolution ever since. That was why throughout the early 1980s I broadcast my intentions to the world on Easter Monday. While children were rolling coloured eggs down grassy hillslopes, I was declaiming goals of bringing world peace, creating a perpetual motion machine and finding Prince Edward a bride. Onlookers might laugh, but at least I laughed last when Sophie appeared, although I must admit she was not on my list of pretenders to the Russian throne and other potential candidates that I had drawn up ten years before. It was true, however, that Easter Resolutions were no more successful than their earlier siblings and so I resolved to try May. The more astute among you may remember that I took out full-page advertisements in The Times committing myself to finding a cure for a different disease three years running. You will also remember the opprobium I received for my determination instead of the admiration I was due. By the mid-1990s, I had moved on. The June Equinox was no more fruitful. I set myself more modest goals, but The Sun did not move upmarket, Charles Bronson continued to make films and the Queen did not abdicate in favour of her mother. In 2001 I resolved to devise a calendar that would bring world peace, but that project was shattered on the 46th day of a month that I had not yet given a name to. Which brings me to this year's Autumnal Resolution, which I thought long and hard about before committing the words to paper. This one is, as the Americans say, a doozy and yet it's simplicity itself. I hope you're paying attention... I hereby resolve not to be disappointed when my resolution fails to come true. Good, isn't it? Except I'm not sure if that means it's coming true. And if it is coming true, does that mean I should be disappointed, and if so, can one be intentionally disappointed? Next year, I resolve to think about it. Back to Opinion |
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